How To Tell If An iPad Is Actually A Bomb
1. It’s ticking
2. Engraving reads “ACME” and device is being carried by a coyote
3. Lit fuse protruding from headphone jack
4. Touchscreen displaying red 1970’s era digital numbers counting down to 00:00:00
5. When the iPad is pried open, two wires are revealed – one red and one yellow. Someone with a lantern jaw has a drop of sweat running down his brow as he picks one of the wires to clip. He clips one, everyone holds their breath, and there is no explosion. The numbers mentioned above in #4 stop counting down and display 00:00:01. If this occurs, that iPad was definitely a bomb.
6. Its Hello Kitty iPad case reads “Danger – Plastic Explosives”
7. A terrorist aims it at you, seemingly to take a photo with the front camera, but actually to detonate it in your face
8. You are in Northern Ireland in 1972 and oh wait a minute, the iPad actually looks like a suspect device
9. A guy named MacGyver applies bubble gum and duct tape to its battery
10. Someone named “Mr. Genovese” leaves it in your car along with a dead fish, a note saying “I got you some new apps – Enjoy the Angry Birds! Love, Mr. G.”, and a box of canolli. No, wait – he probably took the cannoli.